The psychological and spiritual literature contains many books and articles on theories of nature versus nurture. Few scientists who study these issues disagree that we humans seems to be born with a particular genetic makeup which determine our basic personalities, - our basic life dance. We are also more likely to be vulnerable to certain illnesses and factors such as height and weight. Being who we are as humans, we are now at the point in our evolution when we are doing further research on how much we may be able to change or tweak our genetic heritage. There is a lot of research on genetic engineering of embryos and even experiments on the tweaking of genetic codes which affect functioning of such organs as our lungs.
At the same time, social scientists have posited that the factors, which make up our basic personality, do not change throughout our lifetime. Although we could now debate what constitutes human personality and whether those too could be changed through genetic engineering or tweaking, that is not the purpose of this brief exploration.
Most individuals who have spent a lot of time with young children will say that every young child, practically from the moment of birth, seems to have what I am going to call a basic life dance. For example it seems to me that there are certain children who one just “knows” are going to handle life on life terms and be okay. There are other children who, like my young friend Gloria, come out of the womb eager and ready to begin their scientific exploration of the world. Gloria NEEDS to know about the laws of gravity, how shapes fit together, what happens when one disassembles something, and all manners of other knowledge. I predict that this life dance will be the same throughout her life. Other children I know are what Anne Lamotte calls the “overly sensitive children.” These are the children and later the adults who have no filters. They take in any pain that is near and often are the very same children who have a passion for art and life in general. They get labeled as overly sensitive because they have to stop and cry when someone else is hurt. They are the children who are unable to keep the painful family secrets. Even as adults these children may suddenly feel like skipping and we find them skipping down the hallway in their very proper professional suits/attire.
These are also the children who may learn to “obey” family or social rules about the expression of emotions or they find some minimally socially acceptable way of expressing their emotions through art, dance, or music. Those who learn just to obey the family or community rules and perhaps even learn to lie to themselves about their emotions will find that their body becomes very unhappy. They may become clinically depressed, have an anxiety disorder, or other parts of their body will get unhappy. Although there may be many causes for depression, anxiety, or other medical issues including genetic predisposition, frequently that predisposition has been fed by an attempt to be something or someone that they are not. For example, an emotional young man or woman may learn to hide their emotions even from themselves. When they develop some physical/medical complaints, i. e. anxiety, the chances are that they will be given some medication to mask the symptom or they will be told to learn to toughen up. Men and women who have the most acute PTSD are often those who cannot participate in or even observe in combat situations without acute internal distress.
Recently I was talking to a woman who is very lonely for intimate affection. She was trying to tell herself that she could learn to treat others as sexual objects without any emotional or medical consequences. This woman was either born with or has developed a very strong respect for the sacredness of all of we humans. She is unable to just “use” another person. When she attempts to do this she experiences a lot of physical symptoms of distress. This same woman is unable in her professional workplace, which happens to be a hospital, to witness or even hear of a patient being mistreated without feeling that she has to take action. She says that some other people seem to be able to just ignore such situations without any negative consequences. She is unable to do so. She reports that even in preschool she was unable to ignore another child being mistreated.
There are many other examples. There are people who write, perform musically, dance, paint, or who engage in other forms of creative expression because they “have to.” They will tell one that if they do not, something in them dies.
Since the beginning of written language wise humans have been suggesting that it is imperative that we “know” ourselves. They suggest that emotional, spiritual and, yes, physical health demands that we have the courage to open to ourselves who we are and to choreograph a life dance, which allows for the expression of that person.
Occasionally, the expression of which one is would involve hurting or abusing other people. The most obvious examples may be people who are unable to empathize with others; who do not have the mechanism to mirror the other person. This may be true of those we have come to label autistic. Fortunately, we have made great strides in developing programs to help autistic children’s and adult’s function in a way, which is not harmful to others. Often they are very skilled in working alone as researchers in a lab for example.
Sadly for those folks who have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with an infant child, we have yet to find an effective treatment although in some cases medication might help. We do know that punishing them does not work.
Getting to know ourselves and being true to that person will not, for most of us, involve hurting anyone else. Being who are might be disappointing to one relative or other people. For example I know a person who was pushed to get a doctorate degree in chemical engineering so that he could teach at the university level. He did that but was profoundly unhappy. He really wanted to be a waiter in an upscale restaurant. He finally claimed the courage to quit his teaching job and get a job at this very elegant restaurant in Pittsburgh. That was many years ago. He still loves being a waiter. I know another person whose mother was this very well- known educator. This mother expected her children to go to college. One of the daughters really wanted to be chef and another really wanted to be a hairdresser. Both have been very happy in their respective professions. Once mother recognized that going to college was “not for them” she was very supportive of their pursuing their dream.
Many men and some women that I know have tried very hard to be that corporate attorney or business person who focused on being financially successful even if this sometimes means learning to mistreat some people and have been miserable. They have many physical and emotional symptoms of “distress.” Some of their colleagues do well in that corporate world and do not seem to care if others gets used or hurt. Others cannot do this without dire consequences.
It takes great courage to start the process of being honest with ourselves Sometimes we do not know how to begin. For some yoga, meditation, or therapy/coaching can be aids in learning to be quiet enough to “hear” one. It is also true that healthy food, exercise, emotional support, and daily spiritual practice can help us be present with who we are. Who we are might or might not match who we have thought we were or who we thought we should be. I am not convinced that we can change who we basically are. We can change a lot of habits of thinking and behavior but not our essence.
Written September 3, 2015
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